In June 2017, my husband, Bryce, and I had been married for 3 years with a 6-month-old son, Boston. I was living the life I had always dreamed about. Everything I prayed for was now my reality. For someone who loves control as much as I do, life was doing exactly what I needed it to. Then, all of the sudden we got the diagnosis. My *perfectly healthy* 27 year- old husband had cancer. Wait, what? There was absolutely nothing wrong with him except a growth on his arm, which led to a year-long battle with cancer where we ultimately got the victory of healing. It was the hardest year of our lives with chemo/radiation, talk of amputating my husband’s arm, and the looming thought of even potentially losing my husband. Doctors gave him the harshest mixture of chemotherapy chemicals known, and on the scale of affecting fertility, they gave us a 0 out of 10 of conceiving naturally.
Fast forward to January 2019. Bryce was cancer free (thank you, Jesus!), and we were ready to add to our family. It was confirmed through fertility doctors that we had no chance of conceiving naturally, so we moved forward with artificial insemination. We went through a couple rounds, and found out I was pregnant at the end of February! Things were finally starting to feel normal again. At our 8-week appointment, the fertility specialist asked me while performing an ultrasound, “have you ever had a miscarriage?” I knew right then something was wrong. Thinking about that moment still brings me to tears. He told me our baby had no heartbeat and a miscarriage would soon follow. I went back and forth with God feeling at peace and pleading with Him to restore life. We had seen him do the impossible already; I wasn’t going to limit what He could do. When Bryce had cancer, there was such a peace in releasing it to Him. “But even if not, He is still good.” Daniel 3:18.
April 2019, at 10 weeks’ gestation, we lost our sweet baby. We had to make a choice. Be mad at God, or use our pain/suffering to produce steadfastness that the Bible talks about in James chapter 1. It’s not easy. I was mad, hurt, sad, and drained. Emotionally drained. The Bible tells us in Ecclesiastes 3 that there is a time for everything under Heaven. Verse 3 says there’s a time to weep and a time to laugh. A time to mourn and a time to dance. I allowed myself to mourn. I am normally someone who hates showing emotion, and I always have everything pretty well put together. But in this season of life I allowed myself to weep and accept help. I allowed myself to mourn and take care of my body. Along with grief, my hormones were out of whack, and I felt apathetic and anxious for a few weeks.
One thing that brought me closure as I was grieving so heavily was to name our baby. We didn’t know yet if I was carrying a boy or girl, so naming him/her gave me something tangible when I couldn’t hold my child. We named our baby Beckham Lee Hargis. I also bought birthstone rings for both of my babies. December birthstone for Boston and April birthstone for Beckham.
I had a friend who lost a sweet baby girl, Molly, at around 30 weeks’ gestation. She made a comment to me that Beckham and Molly were together in Heaven with Jesus, and it brought me such peace to know that Beckham is a child that I will never have to worry about on Earth, but know that he/she has already received their reward to be in Heaven forever singing praises to God.
Along with the fact we lost our child, I lost control again. I didn’t even think I wanted another baby. How could I move on and love another baby without it feeling like I was betraying Beckham? I allowed myself to grieve for a few months, then one day I felt ready. I told Bryce I was ready to start the artificial insemination process again. The point I was at in my cycle meant I had to call that day and start medication. It was a Friday at 1pm, but they closed at noon. I called the answering service and when the specialist called me back, he told me that based on timing, we would start next month. I was sad, frustrated with God, and had a negative perspective for the rest of the day. Little did we know I was already pregnant at that time. I was frustrated with God but I had no clue he had already answered our prayer in a way I didn’t think was possible. On June 13, 2020 I gave birth to our beautiful daughter, London James Hargis. She is nothing short of a miracle. She is everything I didn’t know I needed. Sometimes when I look at her I wonder what Beckham would have been like. Sometimes I’m sad, and sometimes I’m thankful for the short time I got to carry that sweet baby and imagine Beck worshipping Jesus with my grandpa in Heaven. I wear all three birthstone rings on my right middle finger, and while grief still comes in waves, time and scripture allow me to feel peace and look forward to the day I will get to meet my child face to face. It makes Heaven so, so much sweeter.
Megan Hargis
Yukon, Oklahoma
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