May 12, 2015, I woke up at our hotel in San Antonio, Texas. We were there for an event that brought pastors and their teams from all over South Texas together. Our oldest daughter, Kinsley, had just turned 2 the day before. She was excited to go explore the hotel and swim later that day.
I decided to get a quick workout in before we got our day going. I went down to the fitness center and ran on the treadmill, lifted some weights, and utilized a few other machines they had in there. Exercise is near and dear to my heart. If you know me, you know crossfit is what I consider my hobby. We went about our day exploring and just enjoying being together with family and friends. That evening after service, I went to the bathroom and noticed something was a little off. It’s something to which I think most women who have had a miscarriage can attest. I had a slight sinking feeling in my stomach, but tried to not let my mind get the best of me. I told Jared and immediately called my midwife. Since it was later in the evening, there wasn’t a whole lot to be done. We decided to get things rolling first thing in the morning. I’m sure one can imagine the lack of rest to be had that night.
Rewind a few weeks back, we had been trying for several months to get pregnant with our second baby. We got pregnant so quickly with Kinsley that I wasn’t anticipating it taking longer. Then finally, the positive test! Cue the sweet picture of Kinsley holding the “I’m a Big Sister Book.” We didn’t wait to tell our families because holding that news in can be so hard! The trip to San Antonio was perfectly timed to see everyone in person to just hug and really take the celebrating up a notch.
Now back to the next day, May 13, 2015. My midwife was able to set up an appointment for me to get some bloodwork done so we could check my levels. Not much had changed from the night before so I was hopeful as I understood some light bleeding can be common early in pregnancy. My mom also had a local pastor’s wife friend with an ob/gyn that could squeeze me in for an ultrasound the next morning. I tried to keep myself occupied which isn’t too hard with a 2 year old, but nothing could shake the thoughts in the back of my mind. Talk about mental gymnastics. I remember singing the song, “Whom Shall I Fear,” by Chris Tomlin that evening during service. The lyrics still stick with me, “And nothing formed against me shall stand. You hold the whole world in your hands. I'm holding on to your promises. You are faithful, You are faithful.” Tears pouring down my face, with a weak spirit I tried to speak that over myself and pregnancy. The next morning the doctor said I could come in for an ultrasound, but before I could even walk into the exam room, my midwife called with the blood test results. My body was letting go of the pregnancy. I’m not even sure how my legs carried me to the car because I remember just collapsing into my seat and sobbing once I got there. Jared leaned over and just held me. My mom sat in the back seat and cried with us. We headed back and Jared played the song by Bethel, “Ever Be.” Another song that the lyrics have stuck with me. “Faithful you have been, and faithful you will be. You pledge yourself to me, and that’s why I sing.” I sat in the car while we drove and cried and just let that song pour over me.
We had to head home the next day to pack up our house as we were moving from Midland, Texas, to Waxahachie, Texas in 3 days. My body was in the full miscarriage process now and everything felt like a blur. I was in all sorts of pain- physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. I was convinced that my hard workout the morning it all began, was the cause. That it was all my fault. I quietly carried that guilt around a long time. It took several weeks for my body to heal, but the healing in other areas was a much longer process. A healing that only God would be able to accomplish.
Three months later, another positive pregnancy test! As excited as I was, I naturally was very nervous. I laid off a lot of my usual exercises out of fear. Like I said, that area of healing took much longer. I wanted to hold off telling the news for a while. Even at our first appointment, her heartbeat couldn’t be found right away. It ended up being because my placenta was lower than normal, and ended up staying low my whole pregnancy. But with it being low, her heartbeat wasn’t always easy to find or hear until I was further along. Honestly, I was nervous for quite a while during my pregnancy. The mind games of “what if” constantly flooded my mind. The ultrasound where her gender was revealed was one that brought me a lot of peace. Seeing that perfect, little profile and body was almost more than I could handle. Fast forward to March 25, 2016, our Julia Leigh Hudgins came into the world in a hurry (a whole 3 hours) in an incredible home birth. The moment I sat and saw her face for the first time still makes me tear up when I think about it. Our beautiful, little promise was fulfilled. I don’t believe that God caused me to have a miscarriage. I fully believe that Jesus came to give us life, and life more abundantly (John 10:10). However, because of Adam and Eve’s sin in the garden, we now live in a broken world where these things happen. Thankfully, God works all things for good for those that love Him (Romans 8:28). It will look different for every person. For our family, Julia was the “good” in the midst of heartbreak. She’s not a replacement for what we lost, but the perfect, puzzle piece God knew we needed.
I love His beautiful redemption. He’s the expert at taking situations that seem so grim, so hopeless, and turning them into beautiful masterpieces. “Faithful you have been, and faithful you will be.”
Kaitlyn Hudgins
Fort Worth, TX
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